A very long time ago, women married at the age of 15 and 16, and anyone above 20 years of age was seen as already too old to bear children and "on the shelf". These same women, if unlucky in their marriages, either stood on the sidelines and bore the pains of a bad marriage or they opted out of the marriage by committing suicide at the risk of been buried in unconsecrated ground. As the decades rolled by, and the female folks were allowed into the school rooms, the new ideal age for getting married moved to 25 years. I remember how I used to get worried about aunts who did not get hooked by age 25. Today, we have women empowerment and feminism and the new age target for getting married is 30 years and some even say above. Also, these new age women mostly have a source of income, so they can easily say to a potential husband, "be gone, I do not need you, I can take care of myself" over very trivial matters. These days, you would hardly find girls who are thinking of marriage at 20 years and if the thought does cross their minds, they have handy friends to dislodge such a "crazy" notion immediately. These friends, I guess always mean well even when their excuse for you not to get married is "we never rock life finish".
Enough of all my rantings, and on to the reason for today's post. I noticed the high rate of divorce and separations in marriages, and truthfully, it is alarming. It begs for answers to the question, "how did our parents do it?" Many of our parents have been married for over 25 - 40 years. I do not think I've ever heard my mother tell my dad that she could cater for her own needs, or rub in her family background or education. Somehow, they are able to resolve their issues amicably. It then brings me to these questions;
- Did our parents not bring us up as well as their parents did them?
- Did we just refuse to pay attention to their words of advice?
- Are we too concerned with the butterflies in our stomach and "fireworks and sparks" in the name of love, than the real issues?
- Is it a modern generation thing?
- Is it because women now have jobs outside the home?
- Did You Get Why Married (The Reasons)?
Guess what? It does not matter what the answers to these questions are, because when a marriage is broken, it is automatically the fault of the woman (whether we like it or not). It's either she works too much, does not take care of the home, disrespects her husband, she is now fat and the list is endless. Bottomline, she has changed. She was not that way when he married her. Amazing! I often wonder if the man did not change. Something very important from my research, is that many young ladies enter into marriage with unrealistic ideas. The worst of these ideas is the "I can change him" syndrome. I actually believe that this is a possible mission, but only for the lucky 1%. Adults (men and women alike) who are usually set in their ways done change unless they consciously decide to or there is a divine invention. So ladies, if you think you can change him, think again.
Another thing is certain, most men are chauvinistic by nature and want to be on top everytime (right or wrong). By this, I have concluded that men do run the world, (don't pay any to mind that Beyoncé's song), but we color the world. I have come to realize that, even though I may not want to accept it wholeheartedly. One quick example, George Clooney remained a veritable bachelor till last year when he got married at 53 years (If you do not count his 1st marriage). He could afford to bet that he would not have kids till a certain age. This did not stop him from dating (and now marrying) hot women.Women on the other hand, would start counting how long we have till our reproductive life is over. We just do not have the luxury.
Now to the reason why I say women change after marriage, these are just a few observations I've made concerning women and marriage.
- We act all nice and lovely while planning to show our true colors once we have been married. It's no wonder the male folks say 'she was not like that when we were dating'. If you can not be your true self when you are with someone, why would you want to marry that person? Why try so hard to please him when you are dying to explode inside? It's no use. So, My First Rule To A Successful Marriage Is BE YOURSELF.
- If he slaps you once a month before you marry him, be sure to start getting a daily dose once you are married. Like I said, men do not change after marriage. However, I think it should be the other way round. Men do change after marriage, majority of them for the worst. I do not know why, but I guess they also feel it's time to do whatever they want since you can almost not threaten them with a breakup. So secondly, if you know you can not tolerate a habit or behaviour when you are dating, why do you think you can live with it for the rest of your life? Do not marry a man for the wrong reason. Screen and separate the seed from the chaff before making the decision of who to marry. CHOOSE WISELY.
- Many women are hot before they get married, then they get married and start tying wrapper at home. I mean, did he ask you out when you were shabby looking? We think we are now married, no need to dress up. I tell you solemnly, men are like babies, if you fail to keep his attention on you then he would focus it elsewhere. LOOK ALWAYS HOT !!! ...
- My mother always says the way to a man's heart is through his belly. Well anatomical, that does not pan out, but there is some logic in it. Men love great meals. I think it's ancestral or something. COOK TASTY MEALS.
- I listened to a song once and the singer (a man) wanted a woman who could be a lady by day and a freak by night. I laughed but it is the really we live in. A man wants a woman who can be his mother, sister, friend, wife and baby. Ladies if you would allow yourselves think about it, we too want a man who can be our daddy, brother, bestfriend, husband and child. It's just the way the world goes. BE PREPARED.
- Why do we complain about working and doing all the house chores while he watches TV while sipping a cold beer? Find a way around it. Do not nag, do not criticize, ask for help. Find ways to involve him in some of the homework. Explain how tired you are at the end of each day. If you must criticize, then there is a formula to that - The SANDWICH. Place the criticism between 2 positive statements; Like honey, I know how hard you work to provide for me and you must be tired, but if you could just keep me company in the kitchen, help me maybe dry the plates, I'd be very happy, I miss being with you all day. BE CREATIVE
- Now to the breaker of many homes - SEX. I know some men are what we call dogs, (no offense). They chase everything that looks like a woman. Sometimes though, it is our faults. Men are sexual creatures, so they can wake up at 2am and want to go. Women on the other hand are romantics. We want him to understand what we are not saying because we expect him to read our body language. Well, I think we better start talking and stop signaling. I know how tiring it can be to wake up way early to meet up with morning preparations, especially if you have children who need to be fed and be at school early enough. Yourself, who is a working mother and you have to come home and continue the process till midnight everyday. Sex would be the last thing on you mind (that's if it's even there). Despite these mirade of issues, try not to deprive your man of sex or he will look for a place to get it and it would only hurt you in the end. EMBRACE YOUR SEXUALITY
- We are human beings and we are bound to disagree on issues but I have learnt that even though the violent taketh it by force, silence is golden. It is best sometimes silent and to avoid any words that could be impossible to take back once said. Also, sorry never hurt anyone. Learn to use these very important words. SILENCE AND SORRY
- Friends can be good, but they can also be destructive. Friends have been some known to be the destruction of many marriages, their tactics range from giving you bad advice to outrightly stealing your husband right from under your nose. Mind the kind of people you invite into your home. And on no account should you allow a 3rd party into your marriage. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WITH CARE.
- Lastly, not everyone is happy that somehow, in this difficult world of 7 billion people you were able to locate your missing rib. BE PRAYERFUL.