WHY DO WOMEN CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE?

A very long time ago, women married at the age of 15 and 16, and anyone above 20 years of age was seen as already too old to bear children and "on the shelf". These same women, if unlucky in their marriages, either stood on the sidelines and bore the pains of a bad marriage or they opted out of the marriage by committing suicide at the risk of been buried in unconsecrated ground. As the decades rolled by, and the female folks were allowed into the school rooms, the new ideal age for getting married moved to 25 years. I remember how I used to get worried about aunts who did not get hooked by age 25. Today, we have women empowerment and feminism and the new age target for getting married is 30 years and some even say above. Also, these new age women mostly have a source of income, so they can easily say to a potential husband, "be gone, I do not need you, I can take care of myself" over very trivial matters. These days, you would hardly find girls who are thinking of marriage at 20 years and if the thought does cross their minds, they have handy friends to dislodge such a "crazy" notion immediately. These friends, I guess always mean well even when their excuse for you not to get married is "we never rock life finish".

Enough of all my rantings, and on to the reason for today's post. I noticed the high rate of divorce and separations in marriages, and truthfully, it is alarming. It begs for answers to the question, "how did our parents do it?" Many of our parents have been married for over 25 - 40 years. I do not think I've ever heard my mother tell my dad that she could cater for her own needs, or rub in her family background or education. Somehow, they are able to resolve their issues amicably. It then brings me to these questions;

• Did our parents not bring us up as well as their parents did them?
• Did we just refuse to pay attention to their words of advice?
• Are we too concerned with the butterflies in our stomach and "fireworks and sparks" in the name of love, than the real issues? 
• Is it a modern generation thing? 
• Is it because women now have jobs outside the home? 
• Did You Get Why Married (The Reasons)?

Guess what? It does not matter what the answers to these questions are, because when a marriage is broken, it is automatically the fault of the woman (whether we like it or not). It's either she works too much, does not take care of the home, disrespects her husband, she is now fat and the list is endless. Bottomline, she has changed. She was not that way when he married her. Amazing! I often wonder if the man did not change. Something very important from my research, is that many young ladies enter into marriage with unrealistic ideas. The worst of these ideas is the "I can change him" syndrome. I actually believe that this is a possible mission, but only for the lucky 1%. Adults (men and women alike) who are usually set in their ways done change unless they consciously decide to or there is a divine invention. So ladies, if you think you can change him, think again.

Another thing is certain, most men are chauvinistic by nature and want to be on top everytime (right or wrong). By this, I have concluded that men do run the world, (don't pay any to mind that Beyoncé's song), but we color the world. I have come to realize that, even though I may not want to accept it wholeheartedly. One quick example, George Clooney remained a veritable bachelor till last year when he got married at 53 years (If you do not count his 1st marriage). He could afford to bet that he would not have kids till a certain age. This did not stop him from dating (and now marrying) hot women.Women on the other hand, would start counting how long we have till our reproductive life is over. We just do not have the luxury.

Now to the reason why I say women change after marriage, these are just a few observations I've made concerning women and marriage. 

• We act all nice and lovely while planning to show our true colors once we have been married. It's no wonder the male folks say 'she was not like that when we were dating'. If you can not be your true self when you are with someone, why would you want to marry that person? Why try so hard to please him when you are dying to explode inside? It's no use. So, My First Rule To A Successful Marriage Is BE YOURSELF.

• If he slaps you once a month before you marry him, be sure to start getting a daily dose once you are married. Like I said, men do not change after marriage. However, I think it should be the other way round. Men do change after marriage, majority of them for the worst. I do not know why, but I guess they also feel it's time to do whatever they want since you can almost not threaten them with a breakup. So secondly, if you know you can not tolerate a habit or behaviour when you are dating, why do you think you can live with it for the rest of your life? Do not marry a man for the wrong reason. Screen and separate the seed from the chaff before making the decision of who to marry. CHOOSE WISELY.

• Many women are hot before they get married, then they get married and start tying wrapper at home. I mean, did he ask you out when you were shabby looking? We think we are now married, no need to dress up. I tell you solemnly, men are like babies, if you fail to keep his attention on you then he would focus it elsewhere. LOOK ALWAYS HOT !!! ...

• My mother always says the way to a man's heart is through his belly. Well anatomical, that does not pan out, but there is some logic in it. Men love great meals. I think it's ancestral or something. COOK TASTY MEALS.

• I listened to a song once and the singer (a man) wanted a woman who could be a lady by day and a freak by night. I laughed but it is the really we live in. A man wants a woman who can be his mother, sister, friend, wife and baby. Ladies if you would allow yourselves think about it, we too want a man who can be our daddy, brother, bestfriend, husband and child. It's just the way the world goes. BE PREPARED.

• Why do we complain about working and doing all the house chores while he watches TV while sipping a cold beer? Find a way around it. Do not nag, do not criticize, ask for help. Find ways to involve him in some of the homework. Explain how tired you are at the end of each day. If you must criticize, then there is a formula to that - The SANDWICH. Place the criticism between 2 positive statements; Like honey, I know how hard you work to provide for me and you must be tired, but if you could just keep me company in the kitchen, help me maybe dry the plates, I'd be very happy, I miss being with you all day. BE CREATIVE

• Now to the breaker of many homes - SEX. I know some men are what we call dogs, (no offense). They chase everything that looks like a woman. Sometimes though, it is our faults. Men are sexual creatures, so they can wake up at 2am and want to go. Women on the other hand are romantics. We want him to understand what we are not saying because we expect him to read our body language. Well, I think we better start talking and stop signaling. I know how tiring it can be to wake up way early to meet up with morning preparations, especially if you have children who need to be fed and be at school early enough. Yourself, who is a working mother and you have to come home and continue the process till midnight everyday. Sex would be the last thing on you mind (that's if it's even there). Despite these mirade of issues, try not to deprive your man of sex or he will look for a place to get it and it would only hurt you in the end. EMBRACE YOUR SEXUALITY

• We are human beings and we are bound to disagree on issues but I have learnt that even though the violent taketh it by force, silence is golden. It is best sometimes silent and to avoid any words that could be impossible to take back once said. Also, sorry never hurt anyone. Learn to use these very important words.  SILENCE AND SORRY

• Friends can be good, but they can also be destructive. Friends have been some known to be the destruction of many marriages, their tactics range from giving you bad advice to outrightly stealing your husband right from under your nose. Mind the kind of people you invite into your home. And on no account should you allow a 3rd party into your marriage. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WITH CARE.

• Lastly, not everyone is happy that somehow, in this difficult world of 7 billion people you were able to locate your missing rib. BE PRAYERFUL.

Women! We are extraordinary creatures, we may not run the world, but we make it go round and we sure do color it. Happy women's day

Cheers ....

TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE OF VIVIAN AND CHIKA

Hello everyone, 

The year is fast coming to an end, and everyone (well maybe, almost everyone) is counting down, 3 days to go! We are taking stock of the events and thanking God for his many blessings. We also remember the not so good moments and how somehow we overcame trials. We remember the lessons learnt from certain circumstances. This post is one of being thankful.  Earlier in the month, my elder brother celebrated his traditional marriage to his long time heartrob.

Their relationship is like one of those you see on the telemundo series. They may not be as hot as they telemundo characters but they are beautiful and they had similar problems to the characters. You know the ones where two people so love each other and want to be together, and everything else is totally against them being together? Yea, that's the kind of relationship they had. From long distance relationship to job issues to opposition from all angles. I'm sure glad that they overcame. Now let's move on to unravel the event of the day and the road to it.

As with every Nigerian traditional marriage, especially with the Igbos, there has to be some African time (never showing up early anything). If you remember clearly, I had some time issues during my traditional marriage earlier in the year. And as with almost any event there are bound to be glitches, hopefully sorted out before the D-day. My new sister-in-law is one efficient person I know.  If she's asked to do something,  she gets it done fast. So about a week or two before the wedding, she came to visit, to conclude certain arrangements. I remember asking if she had sorted out her asheobi outfit and she said she didn't need them. Two days later, she'd gone back, I was still sleeping when my mum barged into my room screaming that my brother wanted to get married without an asheobi group like it was a huge crime. I tried to explain that the couple thought they didn't need that, but mum was having none of my explanations.  We had to immediately inform Vivian, who without qualms got 7 girls ready with measurements sent to the tailor for express dress  and bead making. That's how efficient she is.

On that day, I guess my parents didn't want to be labelled as late, so we got up quite early,  prepared ourselves and headed out to go bring the new wife home. We got to our destination almost 2 hours later (mostly because my parents didn't want to drive fast and no one else could), and we are the only ones around. The makeup artist was just about to start, the photographer had not yet decided where to set up.  The in laws weren't ready to receive us yet, and we had a very long way to go in this particular celebration. Many deliberations transpired according to the customs of the land and finally
the bride was called out to identify her husband to be. I realized that even though they were Igbos, their culture differed from mine a little bit.

The "event" as we know it took off at about 3 pm. The asheobi girls were colorful. Makeup was perfect. Pictures came out nice. There was more that enough food and drinks for everyone. We laughed, we wined and dined, we moved to the dance floor to show off whatever skills we thought we had, then we took our wife home. All in all, the event turned out nice. Below are the pictures to show you a glimpse of the event.

Cheers.......

Getting ready to go and pluck the flower from igboukwu

Handsome bro

pretty Viv

Beautiful couple

Selfie with beautiful asheobi girls

Bride with friends

Bride and her siblings

Ada, ada time

Bride getting her  groove on and relegating her hubby. Chai! My brother doesn't know how to dance

Bride with her new family members. Welcome girl!

THE HONEYMOON, PHASE 2: SEYCHELLES

Hey everyone, 

The much awaited grand finale to the journey from the announcement of my great news to the weddings, and now the phase 2 of my honeymoon is here. And yes, I had a BLAST!!! let me beginning by thanking you for following me on this journey, even though the posts took a long time in coming sometimes. I'll just get down to the gist of it. Remember in my last post I complained of the cold in Kenya and was praying for a better one in Seychelles? Well, God answered my prayers. We arrived and it was to a semi-sunny day (few drizzles that stopped in a few minutes. The drizzles actually felt like a heavy wind). It was still 80 degrees F. in went the jeans, long skirts and jackets and out came the shorts and tank tops. Did I forget to say bikinis? The honeymoon was definitely in full swing and Sexy was back!!! During the day and at night. LOL.

Seychelles, pronounced "say shells" or "see/sea shells" (I'd love to know exactly how they came by that name) is a beautiful group of islands divided into 8 provinces. I was told it had up to 115 islands but only 60% of those were inhabited. The capital Victoria is in Mahe. Mahe Island is about 27 kilometers in total. They said you could drive around it in 2 hours (that's its perimeter, not entering the town). They have a population of about 95000 and they national language is either English or French, but they have a local language "Seselwa".

DAY 1

Okay, okay, enough about history. To go to Seychelles, you have to be 2 things, brave, (to be able to face the tiny, extremely curvy roads up and down the mountain paths in moving from one point to another,) and rich (for it is a very expensive country). We stayed at the Eden holiday villas for the first 3 days. Since we booked fro our accommodation online, we didn't want any surprises. Thank goodness it was a lovely place with beautiful views. They welcomed us with drinks. It was a 10 minute walk to the waterfall and 30 minute walk to the main beach.

The photo above shows a tiny island opposite the hotel. We were told we could go there anytime we liked. So we went to check in out only to realize that there was no land connecting the two islands. When I inquired as to how we were supposed to get there, we found out that all we had to do was buy "water shoes" and walk across the ocean. I swallowed my saliva, thanked him very much and decided to take the long walk to the main beach. "It's very shallow" he said, "just go during the low tide". LOL.

After we settled in, we decided to go for a walk. We saw the bus-stop. Never seen anything like that in my life! After the walk, we had dinner and went straight to bed.

This is the Bus-stop

DAY 2
We woke up the next day very late. Way pass the time for church. When we inquired, we learnt the mass was held in French. My hubby then decided to check out what the TV had in stock for him. He was hit by only one local TV channel, the SBC (Seychelles broadcasting corporation). They spoke mostly French, except when the movies came on. (By movies, I mean ancient movies and soaps like 'Young and the restless' or 'Santa barbara'). I understood very very little, he didn't get it at all. We decided to go out instead. We went to the waterfall, then to the beach.

We weren't properly dressed for the occasion so we couldn't get into the water. We just hung around, ate our hot-dogs, took some pictures and headed back to the hotel. When we got to the hotel, the next thing I saw was my dear young man watching the TV with such an intensity like he understood a word. A silly thought came to mind though and I asked him if he thought the language or channel would change if he looked long enough.

We saw many crabs, running into the holes on the road side. I began to wonder why their were so much if they were eaten. I confirmed that they weren't when I didn't see and crab dish on their menu. Later I found out that the road side crabs were "bad" crabs, that the good ones were deep in the sea and since it wasn't crab hunting season, they couldn't put it on the menu.

DAY 3:

We started the day by looking for new accommodation, for even though the Eden holiday villas was cool, we wanted to move closer to town. It just was too quiet for us, with almost nothing to do. Plus remember I told you my hubby has a restless streak, we ended up booking for 2 different hotels. We decided to go to the beach again since we had nothing else to do. I picked some corals, didn't see any shells. I began to marvel as to how there were no shells in Seychelles. (I got my answer later. The native pick them early in the morning and make them into souvenirs).

Different ages of coconut (young to old)

We drank a coconut, ate an extremely old one whose water was dried up and it tasted like a kind of sponge cake. We made a few new friends among the locals who invited us over for dinner. (This just goes to tell you how very hospitable the Seychellois are). Everyone you meet on the road or shops are smiling at you and saying "hi". At the end of that day, It was time to pack again. Moving on to the next phase of our adventure.

DAY 4:

Moving time. Annoying check-out rules!!! We had to check out at 10 a.m. Who does that?! In Nigeria, you check out at 12 noon. Anyway, we moved closer to town. The hotel we booked for was appalling!! ( Name withheld, the next day we were out of there with much speed). We went sight-seeing to Eden Island, breath-taking, and did a little shopping.

Lunch had to come in at some point, so we were taken to this restaurant. We were actually adviced to place an order for only one person first to see if it would be enough for us. When they presented us with this mini buffet, I understood the reason behind the request. There were currency notes from many countries around the wall pinned to one wall, I even saw the Nigerian naira. (And here I was thinking Nigerians probably haven't heard of this place). Mtscheeewwww (this is the Nigerian way of spelling *hiss* LOL).

Currencies

Mini buffet

Indian temple

Shopping

Out on the town

Eden Island

We went to the top of a mountain from where we could see a majority of the city below. The airport and seaport,  as well as some other islands could be seen. There was even a key (graphic representation) of what could be seen. On the drive back, while chatting up with the cab driver, we learnt of the regulation of alcohol. Alcohol can't be sold at certain hours of the day. We also realised how much money we've wasted on airtime, because they had a different call card for international calls and for local calls. So if you happen to find yourself in Seychelles, buy the 25 rupee card for local calls for without it you can't make any calls, then get the 99 rupees one for your international calls. 

Giant Tortoise

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We went to check out some other hotels that the driver told us about since we hated the current one so much. This new location was in Beau Vallon. When you hear them pronounce it, it sounds like buffalo". There was a long beach opposite they hotel, (you could get hotels from cheap to expensive in a straight line). Many restaurants, shops and boating/snorkeling shops. Infact it was the ultimate holiday get away. Almost anything you could need was to be found there. After we checked it out, we decided to move here and cancelled our reservations with the other hotels. That night, we wasted no time packing since we didn't really unpack in the first place.

DAY 5:

Again, we were welcomed with drinks. We went out for lunch, walked on the beach and slept most part of the day. At night, there was a little get-together where everyone is invited. people show up to play music from their cars, sing and dance. Others come to sell their wares, from food to souvenirs. I'm almost sure you are wondering what kind of fruit or nut I have in the photo below, well wonder no more. It is a double coconut called Coco de mer exclusively to Seychelles. (Actually, it's to Praslin, One of the islands of Seychelles). It is shaped like the lower part of a woman. It actually has 2 distinct trees for the male and female species. The male fruits are shaped like a man's phallus, seriously. Photos below.

Peeled Coco de mer

Unpeeled Coco de mer

Chatting

This bird is not afraid to perch by me

with the rasta man

Sunset in Seychelles

DAY 6:

We visited the popular neighboring islands - Praslin (pronounced Pralin) and La digue via fast ferry ride. Mehn! that was one hell of a ride. When asked closed or open-air? we chose open-air, little did we know what we were in for. Trust Naija babe like me with posing. Sharp, sharp, I climbed up and sat down. Next thing. They started the regular safety rules you hear when an Aeroplane is about to take off. That didn't make me relax. I don't think I did even after I saw the life jackets. We started moving and it was initially slow. When it took off in full speed, I thought we were going to capsize. To make matters worse, when we hit  the waves, it came as high as the top of the ferry. Many people ran below for cover, I was too dizzy and too nauseated to leave my seat. Dear hubby had too bear it out with me. That was the longest 1 hour of my life! (anyway that I can remember right now). At the end of the 1 hour, we were soaked to the skin and cold.

Before Take-off

After landing

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When we were about to embark for the second 15 minutes lap to La digue, no one told us to go below deck. We met a fellow Nigerian. He thought we were Kenyans or South Africans. (arrghhh!!!.... not again! everyone seems to think we are Kenyans. LOL...) La digue is so small, we had to hire bicycles to get around. Since it was either that or a cattle drawn cart, we decided to go for bikes. It was so much fun, a form of exercise, and I hadn't ridden one in ages.We went to the national park that hosted the "anse source d'argent" (pronounced "an sue da jean") beach. It is said to be the most beautiful beach in the world.

2nd lap

Fellow Nigerian

Bicycle riding

ANSE SOURCE D'ARGENT BEACH

On the way to the beach, we saw more giant Tortoise. Did you know that they live to be over 90 years old? We also saw a vanilla plantation. Never seen the vanilla plant before. Photos are shown below. You also see I wasn't exaggerating about the male Coco de mer. We rode around the town a bit, more shopping then headed back to the jetty to catch our ferry back to Praslin.

Vanilla plantation

Male species of Coco de mer

Female species of Coco de mer

While in Praslin, we visited the Vallee de mai. It is believed to be the garden of Eden. It is were the Coco de mer plants grow. The Coco de mer, according to legend is believed to be the forbidden fruit. It also boasts the black Parrot said to be in only 2 countries of the world. We had lunch, walked on the beach for long hours, I finally saw shells in Seychelles. By evening, we were so tired, we just too a taxi back to the ferry and headed to Mahe. We got home home and did our final packing for this journey. Tomorrow, we'll be going home. Then I remembered how cold it was in Kenya and wasn't looking forward to that at all.

House of the Calypha

On our way to the airport, we saw the house of the Calypha on a mountain. They said it was a 7 storey building for his 7 wives

Bonny & Clyde bebe!

Excited much

Bye bye Seychelles, Hello Naija! Feels soooo good to be back home, even with all the kpalava. I can sincerely tell you, truly there is no place like home.

Finally! I can ping!!!

I hope you had fun reading all my updates on this wonderful Journey. I also hope you continue to be a avid reader of my blog. (Even when I get boring).

Cheers guys....