BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO"

If you are single or you know someone that is single and contemplating going into a relationship, this is for you. There are a few things to be considered before saying these two very important words "I do". Whether it is saying "I do" to begin a new intimate relationship or to get engaged and married, there are a few things you'll need to make sure you check out. That is the reason I decided to discuss this topic, before moving on to discuss how to work on your marriage. You see, if you didn't say "I do" then there will be nothing to work on. I'll be writing this topic and the next one "why did I get married?" with my younger sister - Cynthia Amaechi who is a pharmacist in the making but really wants to be a relationship expert. Expert opinions were also gathered from married colleagues at work especially Dr. T.C. Chris-Ozoko.

Getting into an intimate relationship is a lot of task even though some people don't seem to think so. When you get into a relationship with someone, you are indirectly saying to that person "I take you as you are, whether you change or not". Because people do change and not for the better most of the time. Sometimes, it might be for the worst. Situations in the family might get so bad and you'd wonder how you got to that point. If your reasons for saying "I do" are grounded, then you'll stick it through the tunnel, there might be a light at the end.

BEFORE YOU SAY I DO:

Before you say "I do", there should be a list of "Dos" and "Don'ts". Just like making your daily or project to-do-lists or writing out your goals and aspirations that form your new year's resolution on the eve or the penultimate year. Write down all the qualities you want in a man/woman. You need to write down your dream so you don't forget it. The next thing you need to do it believe you'd find that person. Now dears, no person is 100% perfect. Even you who have written the list have your own flaws. Aim for someone who meets at least 70-80% of your criteria. The 80% should be made up of the solids while the remaining 20% may be things you'll love to have but can do without or live with.

This list also applies to people already in relationships, because we change from time to time and so should our goals and aspirations. We also need to remind ourselves of the reasons we decided to date this person in the first place. It is much easier for guys to see a girl this minute, feel some level of attraction and decide that he wants her the next minute. With this been said, ladies should therefore have it in mind that it is mostly their responsibility to decide whether a relationship will hold or not. You see, it's like this; when a guy looks at a girl, she's thinking "he likes me". When he says "hi", she's thinking "he's about to ask me out". When he does ask her out, she thinks he'll soon ask her to marry him. Conclusion? women always thinks 2 steps ahead. So ladies before you agree to date a guy, determine if you can marry him if he asks.

Guys on the other hand, may be asking you out on a relationship and they are already thinking of when and how they plan to end the relationship. You must learn to tell the difference between genuine guys and they ones out to hunt for sport. Earlier I talked about the 80% solids and remaining 20%, let's call them tangible and intangibles. The intangibles should include things like complexion, height and to some extent tribe and religion. I used to some extent because I know some religious practices don't mix well but in situations where the parties involved are both Christians but from different denominations say Catholic and Anglican, then it doesn't make much sense to protest the union on that grounds. The tangible include love, trust, God fearing, intelligence and level of education (they aren't the same even though closely related), financial security, behaviour of the individual e.t.c.

The parties should be financially stable and responsible. Should be able to save money made and work for more. The type of job should be such that he is secure in it. This is more applicable for the guys because somewhere along the line it has become an unspoken rule that the man should take care of his wife and the wife should submit. I think it's in the bible. What I think is they should both support each other. Rich girl or guy, you may lower your standards a bit to a prospective individual but not too low as not to get pulled down.

They should have a prayerful life and be God-fearing. Also pray about it and find out God's will. They should respect your opinions and choices and put you above every other thing except God of course. Find out what his social habits are. Does he smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. What is his temperament like? Does he looks like a wife beater? you can suspect if he fights in your presence. What are his/her goals and aspirations, are they compatible with yours? Will he be supportive of yours?

In the African setting things are changing rapidly, women now have western jobs and house helps want to become literate. How willing is he to help with the house chores and the kids when they start coming? This is also a good time to have the "kid talk". If you'll have kids; how many you'll have; what happens if kids don't come or the sexes aren't as you wanted it? A lot go into marriage with the assumption that the children would automatically come. What happens if after 2-5 years nothing happens and it's no one's fault. Another important factor, girl! how good are your culinary skills? Truth be told, guys always like it when their women can cook for them but some don't take it to heart. (not in Nigeria though, here it's a must have).

Go medical! compare your blood groups and genotypes, don't bring children into the world just to come and suffer. What are your HIV statuses? Don't be blinded by love. Go to a neutral credit worthy laboratory and find out. In most places, the result comes out almost immediately. You can wait to avoid foul play.

Lastly, if he/she made the cut and only your fear is holding you back? Set yourself free, plunge in and take the risk. (this part is especially for a friend of mine who I'll keep anonymous). There are some things you'll never learn unless you are in the relationship. However, take the time to study the person before you marry them because that is the main saying "I do". Remember, better a failed relationship than a divorce (failed marriage).

Have a nice weekend and Cheers.....

Photo Credit: cosmopolitech.com/2012/06/24/high-tech-marriage-proposals/

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